The Five States of Troll

  1. Sleeping

This state of troll includes troll being asleep and it also includes troll being Awake, because when we are talking about troll, they are practically the same thing.

Rule of troll #1: His eyes are ALWAYS closed. NO exceptions.

Trolls eyes are always closed, forcing him in to a state of permeant slumber. As a result he can’t tell the difference between his dreams and reality. Keep this in mind when interacting with troll and be on guard: There is a high probability that he will mistake you for a mate if you don’t choose your words carefully.

  1. Eating/searching for food

Rule of troll #2: He is always hungry

50% of troll’s schedule is devoted to this stage. For troll, a constant stream of food is vital: Without this food, he will revert to a feral, demonic, beastlike form which consumes everything in sight and has a million penises that ejaculate rainbow coloured plasma which gives aids to anyone it touches. Thus is the essence of state 5, which will be discussed in detail later.

So don’t forget: if ever troll stomps up and demands to see your lunch money, you’d better do it, or you could find yourself suffering a fate much MUCH worse then extortion by troll. Just be happy that he doesn’t eat humans any more – he likes to keep a healthy diet.

  1. Teh secks

This stage encompasses the following: Troll dancing, Troll sex and the Troll mating ritual. Watching troll dance is one of those “Must do it before you die!” things. Essentially, this state of troll involves him putting his “moves” on display, often with extremely dangerous, intensely painful and totally hilarious results.

Troll sex is not exactly troll “sex”. It could be better described as Troll demonstrating his method of penetrating three females at once. Of course the traditional habitat of troll is a boy’s high school, so finding suitable females for the demonstration is quite hard and if isn’t hard then it is most certainly illegal. With no females, troll will proceed to have intercourse with thin air. This provokes reactions such as “Oh Diooooooowwwww!”, “WTF are you doing troll?”, “You stupid, fat ugly troll”, “Keep it in your pants!”, “Oi! You don’t fuck with me!”, “WTF are you doing Semlar?”, “STFU Warna you’re a girl!”, “Oh yeah! Kodsi!”, “Shut up Lemar!”, “That’s what she said!”, “Sssooowwwttaaaaaaaaaa!!!”, “Do I need to call the principal to handle this blatant disregard of the school rules?!?” etc etc etc.

The troll mating ritual is pretty much the same as above, except that it can involve more then three females and has a hell of a lot more variety in the thrusting department. Who would have thought that a rock could move that fast!

  1. Getting beaten up

This is a routine exercise for troll. A day can’t be called a day until troll gets beaten up. If a day goes by without troll getting beaten up at least once, you must have been dreaming. This state most often follows state 3. Troll will attempt to dance and everyone will be horrified and proceed to beat up troll to make him stop it. It is really hard to get a rock to dance; therefore it must be even harder to get a rock to stop dancing. Beating troll up seems to be the only method and it has proven to be the most effective method to date. Maybe getting beaten up is like a backrub for trolls….He certainly seems to enjoy this state: once I could swear I heard him snoring, but it’s hard to tell because his eyes are always closed.

  1. Beast mode

This state of troll is one of those “If you know what it is then you are already dead” kind of things. This state can only be observed if troll is not permitted to eat for 1 hour straight. Doing this is a sure way to get yourself killed and it will result in torn up underwear all over the globe. You can also observe normal people in this state when they are participating in sport. Going beast mode is what some athletes strive to achieve, some actually do! But we don’t hear about them because they get deported to mars. Troll should be kept under close observation whenever he is participating in sporting activities. You never know when that call to the zoo’s “Uncontrollable animal’s team” might be necessary……

248421_10150189197471479_5573522_n.jpg

Troll is in a state of permanent slumber
His eyes remain shut, through lightning and thunder.
The only time he will ever try to wake
Is when he senses a potential mate.

When Troll is asleep then troll is awake
His eyes will never open unless he smells cake.
This side of Troll is not very fun
Because sleeping is the essence of state number one.

Troll is always hungry, he can’t get enough food
If he demands your lunch money you’d best not be rude.
For refusal means a fate worse then extortion by Troll
No one enjoys getting raped; quick, give him some dole.

If Troll is not kept extremely well-fed
He may go beast mode and rough you up in bed.
Run away very fast if Troll points at you
Eating is the energy that fuels state number two.

What part of state three is the most pitiful?
Troll dancing, Troll sex and the Troll mating ritual.
By the way sex is the creation of life have you heard?
It also plays a big part in state of Troll, the third.

Watching Troll dance is torture most foul
His dancing must be met with loud cries of “Diow!”
Whenever Troll threatens to put his moves on display
Be fast and beat him up; don’t let him get away.

It is extremely hard to get a rock to dance
It’s even harder to bash one into a trance.
But don’t give up, it must be done,
If Troll won’t stop dancing then resort to a gun.

A day’s not a day until Troll’s beaten up
To Troll it’s a backrub welcomed with “Yay!” and “Wassup!”
So have no fear, this thing doesn’t roar
Bashing up Troll is welcome in state part four.

The final state? Please something else instead!
If you know what it is you are already dead.
Beast mode is the price that Troll must pay
If he does not eat at all for one whole day.

Keep an eye on troll when he participates in sport,
If he starts to foam at the mouth hold up inside a fort.
Troll becomes hard to kill; he’s said to have nine lives
Make sure to protect yourself; beware of state number five.

Now that you have read all this crap
You should know how to set a Troll trap.
So whenever you’re finding school to be droll
Just have a quick chuckle at the five states of Troll.

Alex Herlihy – 2008

Eating a Bogan at Recess

Normanhurst_Boys_High_School_Wide_Mini_Logo[1].png

It’s always funny to stand back and see
The many strange kinds of personality
That grace our playground at morning tea.

We sit down at recess Ray and I
Laugh our heads off at troll’s always-closed eye
And point at the randoms walking by.

Faz struts around with his shiny shoes
Geo says “CBF” and goes to have a snooze
Isaac gets full marks again: it’s not uncommon news.

And look there’s Popa thrusting his stuff
He feels the need to try and look buff
But cause he acts gay he never appears tough.

There’s also Yutaro banging his head
Though Benco or Nuno may be doing it instead
They are playing with an invisible guitar thread.

Then we hear some “fuck” and a little “shit”
“Wei you bastard! You’ll never get hit”
One of those black guys is pissed off a bit.

Oh no here comes Josh cause the chick isn’t fat
“Yo motherfuckers I’d tap it like that”
“What are you kidding this bitch is chat!”

Of course what follows fills me with glee
“Hey you don’t wanna fuck with me”
To which Lemar replies “Oh yeah Kodsi!”

Then there comes a nice little bash
“Boganing” we call it and it’s a real smash
Chests are extended and two bodies mash.

But attention is stolen and drawn to a shape
It appears to be Faz suffering Nuno rape
Muscles are squeezed while wenises drape.

Oh no, the fun’s over, I think I hear the bell
The divine influence that puts an end to this hell
It takes me to maths, to learn about cricket being parallel.

But before I leave I look back and see
That there are many weird kinds of personality
And they regularly grace our playground at morning tea.

Alex Herlihy – 2008

Rangas and Redheads

ap,550x550,16x12,1,transparent,t.u3[1].png

Some people think that it’s bad to be a ranga,
I say such people should be hit with a hammer.

Where would we be if there were no redheads around?
Well for one Ironman would lie dead on the ground;

For who had the power to steal this hero’s heart?
A ranga of course, and she was skilled in her art.

She was Beautiful,

but Iron’s not the only one with a good taste in heads;
Just look at the girl Spiderman keeps among his friends.

Now put these love interests of superheroes to the side,
Rangas can easily hold their own against a villains pride.

Redheads are made of special stuff that no-one understands,
Scientists are confounded by the power a ranga commands.

With mind control and telepathy, they can easily bend a spoon.
Never argue with a mad ranga; It will surely spell your doom.

Oh those Deadly,

lovely, redheads…They must have evolved from an angel,
Hell they even have their own element on the periodic table!

Remember the Fifth element? The one? The divine light?
When asked to describe her, “perfect” seems quite right.

She was a well-read-red-head, of the highest degree,
Not to forget that she knew another language or three.

She was beyond awesome, she could light up a room.
Cutting through shadows with hair as bright as the moon.

For a Bright,

blinding light shines from a readhead’s skull. It stops fears,
defeats darkness and reduces the strongest of evils to tears.

Everyone knows redheads are the definition of “hot”.
One look at a ranga and you’re drooling on the spot.

So do you believe that it’s bad to be a ranga?
If you answered “yes” then you’ll be smacked with a spanner.
For you would never understand this questions correct answer.

And what is the answer?

Redheads;

Bright,

Beautiful,

Deadly.

Alex Herlihy – 2008

Emotions

329a-90c1-4fd3-abcc-5c8b2a5bb2e6[1]I’ve experienced emotions
beyond simple joy and fear;
emotions that I believed
were only found in Shakespeare.

Indescribable emotions;
the sort that send you mad,
the rage that brings tear to eye
and makes you seem very sad.

And then there comes the happiness;
it overwhelms the blue.
Yet I find this emotion
is a foreign one too.

Full of scorpions is my mind.
I must express my thoughts.
Yet I find no sympathy,
none who provide support.

For I always scoffed at complaints
concerning broken hearts,
and now that I’m in their place
I regret I ever laughed.

With that in mind I laugh again,
no one would ever have thought,
That butterflies in the chest
were so easily caught.

Now I recall false confidence,
belief in my success.
Which made it all the worse
when I failed to impress.

We can’t choose who we love in life
I believe and as such,
Know that anyone is fair game,
No one can stop your lust.

And thus I wait for jealousy,
that deadly sin of envy.
I fear I must be on guard;
For hell isn’t very friendly.

So I will convey feelings while
poker-faces hide my hand.
Love is a very tricky game
which no one understands.

I come full circle as of now,
away from sorrow and fear,
To discuss the simple feelings;
the ones you want to hear.

I’ve gone through many more emotions
then plain old joy and cheer;
emotions that I now know
weren’t made up by Shakespeare.

Alex Herlihy – 2008

Prophecy Fragment #9 – Impassable, Immutable Love

After the hour of None on the final day of Advent on the 2018th year since the incarnation of our Lord, the Spirit of God came to me and spoke:

I cannot force you to love me,
But I can promise you that I love you,
And that I will never stop loving you,
That I will never cease willing your good.

And I know myself perfectly,
So I know this love perfectly,
And I know that it cannot fail,
I know that it is omnipotent,
I know that it must and will conquer.

No matter how far you run from me,
I will pursue.
No matter where you might hide,
I will find you.
No matter how much you beat me and spit on me,
I will forgive you.

Who are you to think you can defeat such love?
Do you really think you can escape my embrace?
Do you really think you can reject my overtures?
Do you honestly believe that if you reject me, I will reject you?

I cannot force you to love me,
But I can guarantee that you will,
Because I promise that I love you,
And I am certain that I always will.

Prophecy Fragment #8 – An Apokatastasic Doxology

To the one who calls out to us
from everlasting to everlasting
and whose burning heart relentlessly pursues us
unto the age of the ages;

To him who embraces us
as we burn forever and ever in this lake of fire
and who loves us without limit
as we wander the edge of this outer darkness;

To the perfect lover
in whom all of us live and move and have our being
and who will not cease sending grace
until the last of us submits to sorrow and repentance;

To he who is eternally more eternal than eternity
and infinitely more infinite than infinity;
To the sovereign king who makes all things new
and guarantees that all will be well with the world;

All praise, glory, honour, dominion and victory be yours,
Until all sinners are restored to perfection,
And the evil one himself has confessed you as lord,
And the entire cosmos shines bright with your glorious love.
Amen

Prophecy Fragment #7 – Unfinished poetry

Christians appear on the urban street
Preaching a Gospel to the heathen
Attempting to save us; quite the feat
A message for a privileged elite
I gaze with delight on their mission

I muse to myself; what do they want?
To save me from those infernal flames?
To lead me to that holiest font,
Where love, life overflow as they ought?
But I know the real truth of their games.

More about them; it’s not about me
If they could only score one convert-
How reassuring this is, you see?
And rubbing their hands, laughing with glee
They come and with me, attempt to flirt.

But I won’t have it, no not today
For I know truth; the essence of joy
Whilst they walk in darkness; lost, astray
I only want to show them the way
Their illusions I try to destroy

They ask, “To be saved, what must you do?”
I shake my head. They have no idea.
“It’s really quite simple: God loves you
And not just you, but your family too!”
As usual, love is conquered by fear.

“They don’t believe!”, they loudly protest
“They must be damned and destined for Hell”
“I’m not so sure”, I joke and I jest
“Of all Gods, is that really the best?
There is another, please let me tell.”

The God who is mighty, loving, good
The God who will not abandon us
He who is worthy, worship we should
He who could save us all if we would
And predestined it is to be thus.

For I only want to share my joy
And I do not want to convert you
My evangelism knows no ploy
My faith I treat as more than a toy
Blessed bliss is all I need to woo

And one day I know you’ll understand
That all will be won by hope and love
Secured by Christ, the perfect man
And so we fight with all that we can
And strive, flying to heaven above

Because none will remain in the grave
And Hell and Hades will be empty
And with broken chains, no longer slaves
From sin, death and Satan we are saved
Essence of the Gospel victory

Rejoice, sinner, your end is secure
For this is the core of God’s promise
He can’t fail and we all will be pure
All will be saved: not one soul fewer
Everyone will exit the darkness

Prophecy Fragment #6 – The Joy of the Gospel

On the 21st day of the 10th month of the 2018th year since the incarnation of God, the word of the lord came to me:

To live the ascetical life without knowing the joy of the Gospel is simply self-mutilation.
To seek Martyrdom without knowing the joy of the Gospel is suicide.
To depend on the sacraments without knowing the joy of the Gospel is Pharisaism.
To study scripture without knowing the joy of the Gospel is Gnosticism.
To perform good works without knowing the joy of the Gospel is Pelagianism.
To trust in religion without knowing the joy of the Gospel is to be enslaved to the demonic powers.

And what is the Gospel?
It is a simple promise.
And what is being promised?
That once all is said and done,
at the end of the ages of ages,
after an everlasting infinity,
beyond the end of eternity;
There lies happiness, love, bliss,
And not a trace of evil remains.
There will be no more tears, no more pain, no more suffering,
No more death, no more tragedy, no more sickness,
No more temptations, no more demons, no more Hell.

The promise is that our final future is entirely glorious,
And that the entire creation is swept up in an infallible movement towards that last moment.
The Gospel promise is that Christ has conquered Hell, death and Satan himself;
He promises you life to the full in the eschaton;
He promises that he will not fail to save us;
He promises that we will not ultimately fail in our strivings towards him;
He promises that the painful struggles of our epektasis will ultimately conclude in a wonderful and glorious apokatastasis;
He promises us that we are safe in his arms and need not fear anything;
He promises all of us salvation.

Know this Gospel with your head and place your trust in it with your heart,
And suddenly Asceticism, Martyrdom, the sacramental life, the study of scripture, works of charity and devotion to your faith;
All these things are transformed into a sure, straight, secure, direct path to God and salvation.

Know the beautiful promise with your head and place your trust in it with your heart,
And suddenly you find heaven exploding forth into your life right now;
You are flooded with the kingdom, immersed in the overflowing compassion and love that is God himself.
You become the light on the hill, and those who continue to walk in darkness flock to you,
These lost ones seek your guidance and beg for you to share your invincible joy.

Experience the joy of the Gospel, and the distinction between you and your creator will seem to dissolve,
As you are absorbed into the divine mystery of the simple unity as an infinite plurality relating through itself to itself within itself.
All things will seem to melt into one,
As you plunge into the ocean of love,
And are drawn up into blissful cosmic communion,
Driven towards infinite peaks of ecstatic delights,
Swooning to the overtures of the hidden romance that pumps the blood through your veins;
The inexhaustible beauty that breathes the spirit of life into our souls.

Prophecy Fragment #4 – Impassible Infatuation

On the 16th day of the 10th month of the 2018th year since the incarnation of our lord, the word of the lord came to me:

To be intensely infatuated without expecting requite;
To lavish praise without demanding any response;
To unleash showers of affection without requiring anything whatsoever in return;
This is what it is to love with the love of God.

How sweet it is to love with the divine love!
How elated is the soul that unites itself to the divine compassion!
What sublime bliss it is to love expecting nothing in return!
Into what infinite depths of compassion does the sanctified soul plunge!
For these impassible affections know no rebuke, endure all rejection, and overcome all apathy.

And always there is the invitation extended towards the cosmos:
“I am deeply, madly in love with you… will you take my hand and dance this dance of perfect agape with me? Will you return my affections?”

With this invitation, the saint’s heart opens outward:
Rejection cannot harm him;
Hatred cannot affect him;
Nothing can reduce his salvific love.

This invitation will never be withdrawn, and he is willing to wait forever if he has to.
But why wait? Is not now the only moment that matters? Why not return the love now?

For the only meaningful response to this startling invitation is acceptance:
To fall into his arms and let him carry you up into the infinite heavenly spheres;
To let him sweep you off your feet in the divine embrace that sets our souls aflame with joy, bliss, love;
To run out of the darkness and towards the warm light of the only one who can calm the storm of our turbulent hearts.

The Lover Loving the Loved; this is the trinitarian mystery of God.
Unleash this mystery in your life right now;
Love the other with selfless abandon;
And melt into the invincible, omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent divinity;
Merge with the ineffable murmurings that lie infinitely beyond the everlasting ages of ages.

Truth, Goodness and Beauty are your destiny.
God himself, the perfect lover.
So search deep within your innermost self
For when you find true love you will never fear for the future ever again.
Darkness will have no claim on you.
Death will have no hold over you.
Hell will not be able to contain you.
For you will be the lover, the loving and the loved.
Blissfully waltzing to the simple symphony of compassion and eternity.

The Shadow

Do you know what it’s like to have a shadow?
If you think it is so… well I’ll have you know;
That’s not the shadow of which I speak.

I know of a shadow so skinny and narrow,
Can’t have been cast by me, it’s far too shallow.
It has no eyes it has no head,
If it weren’t for the talking I’d think it were dead.
It’s definitely blind if I needed more proof
No eyes, and even less perception of the truth
It frankly fails to fit the mould,
Trying as hard as it might to hold
On to both feet where a shadow should connect,
It only touches my right and grasps for my left.

Shadows are not meant to be alive.
What on earth was I thinking?
To whisper in a shadows ear the words that it can never hear
Just to give it an illusion of life
And hope it would find another body.
But no, I have to put up with this shadow
It’s more rooted in reality than the dark twilight
where it should be.
And the appearance of mind?
No more than a philosophical zombie.
But still… Can it hurt me…?

This shadow imitates more than my actions;
Actions don’t hurt me, no no…
This shadow is more of a reflection;
Actions with signs of emotion, oh no…
It plagiarises my actions, It steals my words,
It adopts my taste in music, It deifies my ideal girls.

I wonder when this shadow will realise
The fact that it has it’s own pair of eyes
And stop trying to reconnect with mine.
I wonder if that will be a good thing
A clone of me being set free and going on it’s way
Not mature enough to handle what it holds in it’s head
It may very well know all that I know some day
But I’ve got experience on my side instead

Will it be good? To be me competing with myself and I.
My Shadow may not want to let go
Might make life a deadlier show.
I keep my actions and thoughts closer now;
The shadow trying hard to reflect
That which I came to expect
And planned all along.

“I am stubbornly me”
Oh really?
The evidence to the contrary
And the absolute irony
Can be seen by everyone,
Everyone, but you,
You, my shadow;
You. Roderigo.

Alex Herlihy – December 2009

IMG_0908