BREAKING: Pope Francis Breaks Land Speed Record

proxy.duckduckgo.com.pngNew Pope’s latest amazing headline? POPE FRANCIS SAYS WE SHOULD TAKE ALL CORRUPT POLITICIANS, TIE THEM TO A STONE, AND THROW THEM INTO THE SEA.

Yeah, okay bro, let’s do that. We can call it the “OKEY DOKEY DOCTRINE.”

So that got me wondering. What’s next for this kewl dood Pope? What other magical headlines do we have in store? I gazed into my crystal ball (lint-covered Koosh I found under my desk) and here’s what the spirits foretold:

2/3/20: Pope Francis Vows to Excommunicate All Buzzkills and Mellow-Harshers

7/9/20: Pope Francis Rescues Cory Booker from House Fire

1/2/21: Pope Francis Decrees that the Holy Spirit Can Recover All Your Data

3/9/22: Pope Francis Liberates all Sea World Killer Whales, Free Willy-Style

4/11/23: Pope Francis Thinks You Can Totally Pull Off Bang Braid

11/19/26: Pope Francis: Donald Trump ‘Got Lost’ During Tour of Vatican Vault, Shrugs

8/29/28: Pope Francis Destroys AIDS by Shredding Too Hard on the Saxophone

4/17/29: Pope Francis Totally Gets Why You Distrust and Resent the Catholic Church, but Don’t Worry—He’s Got This

(Original Author unknown)

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